medore

Okay, I caved. I got a facebook.

I think that officially kills my desire to do anything here but lurk snark communities and occasionally comment.

What.

Hey everyone,

*looks up* Okay, so I've been posting more than usual and more than everyone else. So this is going to seem a little silly.

I've actually taken to writing my thoughts on this strange substance called "paper". It's helping with my writing process, mostly because I hate to get the idea that something I'm writing would be laborious for you to read, or that I'm wasting my time with a disinterested audience. It has been an awfully long time since I've been relevant to most of your lives, after all, and I can only guess that maybe half of the people on my friends list will see this if I'm so fortunate.

Then there's the idea of this being a social networking tool. I'm really not in the position to ask another human to be interested in what I have to say. I'm a slightly overweight college student with no job, no religion, no notable talent that a quarter of the country doesn't share, and little to no notable experience, and it looks to be that way for a good four to eight years.

I guess I just don't have anything to share. While before I desperately wanted people to know what my thoughts were, to understand me, now I can say that I appreciate distance.

I can't help but relate this entry to my several flounces and "I'm leaving"s and whatnot. I think this is more of a "I've been gone for awhile now, sorry if I've kept you waiting."

I'll start a real blog someday if my words are worth something again.

Okay, I applied for three retailers today, despite half my brain telling me this would be a mistake. Staples, Borders, and Gamestop. Gamestop has the worst application form I have ever seen. I gave them virtually no information, so if they call me for an interview, they probably call everyone who has ever made >$28,000 or managed anything.

A metaphoric definition of a distraction: A distraction is a task that requires no effort. It is gluttony. It is film or literature without critical approach. It is music without the performance. It is an orgasm without the context of social interaction. It is, by and large, junk food: complex cuisine without preparation, soul, skill, effort. Distractions are junk food for the mind, high fructose corn syrup for the soul.

So focus is the diet, and education the exercise.

Now onto those calculus videos...

Do any of you (Gigi excluded) watch or listen to Rachel Maddow? 

Here's my perspective. I'm no expert, just a humanitarian.

There is a lot of partisan hackery in this ordeal, and the people who are getting duped into thinking that a taxpayer-provided public option is a bad idea are the people who generally need it the most.

EXHIBIT A:
( Provided by the you-tub. )

I really didn't expect to like having two monitors so much. No matter how distracted I become, I've got my edited essay staring me in the face screaming "70 more words, you fucking pussy!" So, I'll probably be done with that soon...

It's been about four years since I graduated, but I can't help but think about five year plans from 2005. I don't know if I was looking for anything, then. I'd like to think that I was looking for a purpose, and I was definitely looking for love, albeit in that creepy "nice guy" way for a good long time. How amusing that I found both when I gave that angle up. I want to serve the public and secure my ideal lifestyle. If not as a doctor, then I have numerous backup plans. So now I'm looking for ways to make that happen, while still figuring out what my ideal lifestyle is, exactly.

Have you found now, what you were looking for then? Have you forgotten? Are you still looking? Did you clean the slate and start over? Have you changed? I'm curious. The internets are a quiet place these days.

My Precalculus final is on Monday, then I have two weeks off; my first real break since April. I guess that's nothing to complain about, it's more than I was used to. I really don't think I could survive something like the old-school three months off in summer. My sister is kicking its ass. She's currently working at a horse barn, doing chores. Now it looks like she'll be getting a paying job as a part time instructor. Meanwhile, I've been locked away studying and my brother's been, uh... producing? Kids these days...

Anyway, I need a task list for the next two weeks. I'll probably update this entry as I think of anything, but, as usual, suggestions are welcome.

I'm no good at remembering alt+ keys. Eff it.

No matter how well I plan, I always seem to find myself in this predicament. Completely sleepless, running off of coffee, finishing work just, just in time for a test. I am so ill prepared. The thought of getting any less than a 90 is sickening. I hate graphing problems. I hated them when I left high school, and, to my surprise, I'm still no big fan. Give me the algebra, the formulas, fitting the pieces of the puzzle together. So far, I am turning in roughly 30 pages, front and back, of graphed problems. I had to buy a TI-83 for the class, and my professor forbids the use of it.

Same old story. My old regional VP had a cynical view of people: "Once a person turns 18, they're pretty much that person for the rest of their lives. They never really change their basic values once they grow up."

Is that true? I used to think I was one of many exceptions. But, here I am, writing, asking questions, but not directing them towards anyone, and yet still expecting an answer. Four years now? I don't care to go back to this thing's beginning. I thought about what that means. I've mentioned nostalgia, but I don't think it's an accurate description. Shame?

Shame, not so much in the events, but that I cannot learn from them. I refuse to think about them "too much," even in writing. I want to have the cake and eat it, too. A person of my privelege has very little loss, very little tragedy. I think what I am seeking is closure. And, yet, now I can't help but compare that to my reaction to the ending of the last Harry Potter book. (Yes, I know. I read a book for fun. Now you know why I'm behind on schoolwork.) Anyway, my least favorite thing about it is the complete closure of the epilogue. (Oh, um, spoilers?) We see the characters nineteen years later, instead of their adventerous youthful selves, as vapid cardboard cut out parental units. The end. No open interpretation, no room for development. It's simply the end.

I seek closure with the past. Yet, I'm an artist at heart. I feel I can appreciate the loss. Perhaps the events are more meaningful the way I left them all those years ago.

So, here I am: sleepless before a test, rambling to no one and everyone..
Unchanged.

So, Arizona has made it legal to carry a concealed weapon into a bar. Now, I'm all for measuring pros and cons, but really. Guns. Alcohol. Why don't we just sell them together? A nice little package deal. Maybe throw a car and some heroin in there. That'd be nice.

Speaking of doing stupid things while drunk, I have another two essays I have to do this weekend. We're now at... four in a single week. Schweet. Oh, yeah, and I'll be in Pennsylvania, either plastered or playing drunk nanny to a bunch of 50 year olds.

I'm seeing the new Harry Potter movie tonight. I hear it beat out The Dark Knight for best opening Wednesday ever. But, you know, Transformers 2 is selling a metric fuckton and it's the worst pile of shit released all year, so, hey, what does the box office have to do with anything?

There's nothing quite like completing an essay, reformatting it, and finding out that it meets the page limit exactly. Clean, easy, sweet.

I'm actually enjoying my precalculus homework. God, I'm a nerd. I can only hope I enjoy actual calculus this much.

So, I only want a job to help Gigi with bills. I had another sleepless night last night to finish up some classwork. I don't think it's a good idea to get a job until I can get the rest of this under control.

I still seem to have those 2005 grades on my record, which brings my 4.0 down to a 2.78. Seriously. So, I need to talk to somebody about that before I start apply-whoring. I'm still trying to be enrolled in a 4-year by this time next year. I'm crossing my fingers.

I've got my first in a long series of boring birthdays coming up. 22. Ugh. To be fair, 21 wasn't much fun either. Me, alone, on a couch after a long workday with a six pack of Guiness. The beer was good, at least. I need to figure out what to beg for from my parents. Maybe I'll actually make a birthday list.

So, I did end up surviving my first Precalc class. Here's the thing. I can make due when I have a hard time understanding my professor because of a thick accent. I can also make due when their handwriting is completely illegible. Most of the time I have been fortunate enough where both of those problems do not occur at once, but, now I'm stuck. Finally, my professor blatently violated her own syllabus on the first day of class.

If it weren't me, if I was some newbie straight out of high school, I would just drop the class, wait until next semester, then take it with a better teacher. In fact, almost four years ago, when I started, I wouldn't have any problems with it. But, now, there's a shortage of professors, and some students are even looking at getting turned away. More importantly, I'm trying to have my Associate's done by this time next summer. 

President Obama held a town hall at the campus today. I couldn't attend, and 2/3 of the parking at the campus was blocked off for his royal highness. Yes, Mr. President. A shit ton of us take classes over the summer. And nothing against the guy for wanting to hold a town hall. The issue was healthcare reform, and he's got some great ideas about how to do it. But, really. Is a college a good venue? Why not someplace that's not in session right now? Wouldn't any of the area's four-year colleges have less students during the summer? I could be wrong.

The budget cuts to NOVA are making me worried. I really want a job at the school. It would be convenient, they pay better than retail, and they might even be respectful to the fact that I'm currently attending. Again, I could be wrong. But now I have a sinking feeling that the only job I'll be able to get is something akin to a doorguy. A barista at best. Maybe a fry cook. I'm not blind to my circumstances. I'm not "too good" for any of these jobs, but I have my sanity and "college career" to consider first.

It's not easy to maintain the focus I've had. Seriously, I just got done with another two classes. Easy A's, but I stressed like a bitch over them. My current two classes are leaps and bounds more difficult, but I can't stand not to do just as well. I can't fuck this oppurtunity up. Then there's my ever-rising weight, the lack of coin in my bank account, Gigi's welfare, my lack of a creative outlet, that feeling of stagnation from all this - I honestly cannot wait until I'm done with NOVA. But it's a long ways out.

Back to my essay. I didn't manage to walk the neighborhood today. Maybe I'll find the time tomorrow.

RSS feeds are fun. I don't even visit periodical sites anymore. Whoo.

Balance was one of those other ideas that's been stuck in my head. Posessing a high level of control while still enjoying life, friendship. Or the other way around. Enjoying the better things in life but not spinning into oblivion.

I went to the dentist earlier today. Two cavities and I need to get a fully erupted wisdom tooth pulled before it fucks the rest of my mouth up. I swear, I would never worry about money if it wasn't for dental bills.

I've been waking up with the sun lately. Tomorrow I have simple goals. Enjoy the sunrise, drink a few cups of green tea, stroll the neighborhood, survive precalculus.

Thursday, I'm going to try to get a job AT Nova. Anybody have a success story there?

I got my hair cut. It went from the longest it had been in years to the shortest its ever been. And it's sexy. 

Wow. Billy Mays died earlier today.

Final Destination Celebrity Edition?

I'm starting to get really annoyed with these. Two reasons.

1) Satellite delay always cause those in the studio to be at an advantage. It doesn't matter which side the opponent is on, the person on the TV is always getting interrupted by an overzealous host, which makes the interviewee look stupid and the host look like a raging idiot.

2) Things tend to get really out of hand on satellite interviews. Degenerating shouting matches don't tend to happen as much in the studio (ok, Bill-O is an exception) because there's a personal element; a human on the opposite end of the table.

Satellite interviews and phone-ins should be used for the same thing we use phone conversations for in real life: Sources. Direct information feeds. Meetings are where sane humans discuss things at length. We use email and phones for silly shit and quick information. "Where is the party?" "Did you hear about Michael Jackson?" "What's that other person's phone number/address/email?" If the conversation is going to last over thirty seconds, see the person. In person!

Really, none of these fuckin' pundits are too busy to take a plane up to NYC to chat. Some of them are even too busy to cross the street. (From CNN to NBC, or what have you.)

(I realize that discourse through my blog is hypocritical to what I've just written. But let's be honest. I wouldn't call any of you to bother and annoy you with my self-righteous blather, as every single person on my friends' list will attest. I'm a nice asshole, yes I am.)

Oh. Just to further the hypocrisy:

Tea > Coffee

Discuss.

The king of pop died today.

My brother is in a fit of rage because Michael Jackson stole his thunder on his birthday. 

Now for something actually intellectually stimulating.

Why is it that every movie now has to have a gratuitous sex scene whether it fits with the movie or not? If I want to watch a war movie, I'll watch a war movie. If I want to watch porn, I'll watch porn. It's not artistic, it's just fucking. If your movie is based around fucking, fucking is appropriate. If your movie is specifically about the after-effects of rape, obviously showing the rape fits within the context. But come on. Superhero movies? War movies? What the fuck ever happened to innuendo, anyway? When did it become neccessary to show the entire act so that your audience understands that two characters are romantically involved?

Here's what drove me to give a shit. In "The Other Boleyn Girl," the book? No sex scenes. In the movie? Full on sex AND rape. How fucking awesome is that? *high five*

Really. I swear. I am the furthest thing from a prude. But directors filling tape with sex scenes just to get that PG-13 or R rating for the sake of having it is just shameful.

Metaphors. Ways of making a contextually poignant feeling commercial.
To remove the emotion from the story, to take a name away from a face.

This time of year was always good to me back then. Leaving school to partake in an adventure either on my little internet or out in the real world, free of the schedule, of obligation. When I returned from the fall, people had changed, for the most part. With an exception or two, I never came back to the same place.

Metaphors.

I burned down London Bridge just to find out what leaving it all behind really means.

Since I realized that, I've been back at the bridge every day, attempting to rebuild by myself. 
Futile. I am the same person as when I left, just completely different.
Same for those I left. Hardened by the world, most. Some to extremes. Some to death.
Regret. The most pointless emotion in the hands of the sane. To want to change the past, without the courage to reach out.
Is anything I left still there?

---

Nostalgia's all that can really get a rise out of me anymore. Reminders. Regret.

...

I need new friends. That took a few years to admit.

I wrote lyrics for the first time in years today. It felt good, especially since I've had the same couple of songs trying to come out of my head for a long time now.

I still want to do an album, and if my brother proves anything, it's that it's not too difficult for me. ;)

After listening to the new DT, and thinking of my favorite all time albums, I'm starting to think that I should aim for 7-8 songs, instead of the album standard of 10+. It just seems to me that after 8, most albums start to contain more filler than inspiration. And looking at my list of ideas, I can see that happening.

Any thoughts? Favorite albums and the number of songs on them? I'd love to get back to work on this. Some of the new ideas I've had since I've tried this last are much more... mature, for a lack of a better word. (Most rock fans see that word as a bad omen.)

Oh yeah, I should go to school now. Haha. 

Apparently Conan O'Brien is actually a huge guitar player/collector.

So since his premiere on the Tonight Show, both Billie Joe Armstrong and Joe Satriani have just straight up given him the guitars they performed on his show with. The one Satch gave him is a one-off Ibanez custom variation on his signature.

Oh, to sub on that show on the right night....

So, my pictures are of my and Gigi's trip to NYC last weekend. It was for school. Lulz. Some great shots, plus my new desktop. But I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated to upload them. I'd be the worst myspacetard ever.

That's a great segue! In Iran, which unbeknownst to most of murka has a moderately democratic society compared to the rest of the muslim world, the greatest election heist of all time has taken place. As a result, the people of Iran have taken to the streets, in the face of blatent police brutality and now even the country's army marching the street, to protest the "re-election" of "President" Ahmadinajad.

There is a mildly uplifting thought amongst this concerning the people. For the most part, this story has been sent to the back of the bus in American media, just another foreign affairs issue that would confuse the red states. So how did all of this information become available?

Twitter. Not kidding.

The people in Iran, against mass media scrutiny in their own country, are using Twitter to organize and share information with the world at large. Yes, Virginia. Twitter has found a purpose. And it is good.

I'm listening to a leak of the new Dream Theater album. I was horrified by their last album, but I'm currently thinking this album is their best work since SFAM. Plus blast beats. lulzportnoy. Six song album, average song length is 12:15. Whoooooooooooooo.

Anger is so unneccessary. First the pro-life murderer, then the shotgun wielding anti-semite at the holocaust museum.

When are we going to learn that actions we make entirely in anger only hurt us?

I promise, the next entry will have those pictures I was talking about.